The Lighter Side of Bands

 

The Archetypal Brass Band

 

1 Eb Soprano cornet: too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band.
1 Principal cornet: conceited, uses too much vibrato.
1 Second man down or bumper upper: either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero worships the principal.
1 Third man down: loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse.
1 Fourth man down: like third man down, only louder and thicker!
1 Repiano cornet: waiting for a chance to play principal.
2 2nd cornets: hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C
2 3rd cornets: loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G
1 Flugelhorn: plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn
1 Solo horn: usually a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player
2 Tenor horns: can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead.
1st Baritone: useless player, out of tune all the time
2nd Baritone: even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried
2 Euphoniums: show-off and trainee show-off
1 1st trombone: steam driven. Rasps most of the time
1 2nd trombone: sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo
1 Bass trombone: chainsaw with vibrato
2 Eb basses: look like two drunken farts
2 Bb basses: sound like two drunken farts
Percussion: Has lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm.
Conductor: o devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good!

 

Application to play orchestral trombone

 

Chicago Symphony Orchestra
Selection Committee
220 S. Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois

Gentlemen:
I wish to apply immediately for the job of Second Trombone and I already have the two trombones. Although I have not played much in an orchestra, I have played along with lots of classic (no vocal) records. I found that if I slowed them down a little that the songs automatically went into the flat keeys which are much easier, but I think I could do the sharp keeys in a short time.

I was a student for several years of Mr. Remington (Buck, not Emory) and then went with the circus band where my tone really got great. You don't have to worry about me being able to blast through on the Vogner stuff, that's for sure.

After I watched "10", I got out my horn and worked up a really great solo on "Bolero", (do you know that there is a dance by this name too?) but I still have trouble knowing when to come in with the record. Does your arrangement sound the same all the way through, too? Anyway, I know that if I get the job that the people in Chicago will like my version which is do-wop. Would I have to sit real close to the violins? They never seem to play very loud and my tone sort of cuts off if I have to play too soft so it would be best if I could sit in front of the drums, like in the circus band. Also, I'd kind of like to sit on the outside so that people could see me.

I am practicing every day for the audition and am working on a new thing called legato, but it's still a little smeary. I think you'll like it though. But, if your music is anything like this Rubank stuff, it will be a challenge to my teck... techininuque... tequch... ability. There is a position on trombones called 5th, but hardly any notes are there. Does your music have many of these notes and if so, what are they? I'd like to know all of this before I pay bus fare down to Chicago and how much does the job pay?

I'm really looking forward to coming down, but why would I have to play behind a screen in the winter?

Sincerely,
Slide Rafferty

P.S. I have lots of music stands and probably have one like you guys use, so that would be a cost saving.